


so my darling.

by jeonginks



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, it's a bet, oh no this is a bet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 18:22:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20050510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeonginks/pseuds/jeonginks
Summary: Jisung realize how much he needs you in his life after breaking it off with you as the bet his friend made him is over.





	so my darling.

One thing Jisung realized, not immediately but after a few weeks of heavy turns at night and not-so-subtle eye lingers, was that he couldn’t get over you.

The bet his friends made him during his birthday last year, which is to become your best friend and gradually pull your platonic relationship into one of romantic desires, finally came to light a few weeks ago on his birthday, before you even had the chance to give him the present you have prepared for him.

Jisung should have already recognized how he was setting himself up for failure and a long period of loneliness when he decided to shove all his friends out of his home and sit down with you so he could talk about the bet and break up with you in the comfort of your privacy, the original plan of sadistically humiliating your strong yet somewhere delusional feelings for him completely thrown out the window of his mind.

He felt sick, he felt horrible, so damn horrible, when he watched the summer light in your eyes drain down to someone of contemplation, processing his words carefully. And then the gentle hope of your thoughts slowly sucked away when you finally pieced together what Jisung was trying to say. and then your eyes were just the vastness of an empty night sky, all the stars stolen and never returned to you nor him.

(Somehow, you wished it was because he stopped loving you, not because he had never once loved you. That would have hurt lesser.)

His friends noticed his lack of enthusiasm within the next few days of breaking things off with you, and they all assumed he felt bad for having to break your heart. Jisung assumed the same too until it caught up to him that his sulkiness was the result of so much more than just him realizing he was being an asshole to someone who has only done well by him.

He still looked for you in the crowd, in case you haven’t noticed. He grew a habit of doing that because of you two loved hanging out in crowded places with food stalls and clothing stores. He had been doing that one time since he lost you in the crowd, and even though he knew you definitely know how to find your way out, he got worried nonetheless.

He still looked for you in the crowd, the way he looked for you in hallways and the cafeteria. He still holds out his hand when he enters a crowd of people, and he told everyone it was a weird reflex whenever they asked, as he awkwardly placed the empty space back into his jean pocket.

Jisung gained a lot of habits within the year of being your boyfriend, he hasn’t grown out of any of those.

His arms stay ajar (for you to circle yours around them as you two walk, but the little drags of your uneven steps ceased to catch him off guard anymore) when he walks back home with his friends. They were rarely stuck to his sides.

He leans a little to the side whenever he is sitting on the couch of his home (for you to more comfortably lay on his chest, but the bulk of your weight was long gone unfamiliar from his chest), and his friends always push him back up to create more space for the group.

He checks his messenger app before heading to sleep, unlike usual how he would usually be scrolling through social media and call it an end (because you usually sends something to him before you sleep, but he stopped knowing when you go to sleep anymore), and he was always met with zero unread messages.

He hasn’t grown out of any of those, he hasn’t grown out of you, he hasn’t gotten over you at all. The ever-tightening knot in his chest bumped against his heart every time it hits against the beating flesh, haunting him of all the warmth he could be feeling, the love he could be receiving, the affection he could be giving at any moment if only he hadn’t done what he did, if only he had admitted his feelings for you.

“Jisung?”

Recognition and senses flood back into his light-sparkled eyes, bringing him back to the plane of reality as he finally turned to look at you. You stood before him, not close enough for his liking but understandably distant enough for you to keep your sanity at bay, because as much as you appeared to be happy and well, you were recklessly letting the hollow hole in your chest eat up the rest of your energy Jisung took along with him when he lied and left.

Absolutely no amount of distraction could get your mind off Han Jisung. He was literally the sun you’ve only had, and he was good to you, he was so good and so kind and so patient with you. You always have thoughts regarding your own inadequacy in terms of almost everything you ever do: appearances, humor, study, artistic value.

You weren’t bad, just mediocre, but never once have you ever felt that the love you have for Jisung was mediocre, and he didn’t seem to think about you in that way either, both your love and your other traits… at least he pretended he didn’t, how could you tell? You were so blinded by everything he was and all that he made you feel. even after a few days of the break-up, you still couldn’t quite feel like he was gone.

“(Name).”

“Yeah? Is there something you want to tell me?” You asked, looking at him with raised eyebrows. You were trying to conceal your exploding mind with excessive movements so he couldn’t pay attention to exactly how weak he still managed to make you feel by merely saying your name. “Jisung? Come on, you know my friends don’t exactly like me talking to you after what happened so if you have something important to tell me, you gotta do it fa–”

“I love you. I–shit,” he blurted too quickly, the three words were smeared permanently across his lips like a lip balm every time he is with you, and their value has been wearing off far too quickly these days without the chance to utter them out to you.

You yelled in panic with your eyes, completely soundless. Your mental walls were building up at rapid speed because your heart was desperately stripping itself off its clothes, wanting to let Jisung in, to pull him in, to feel him with you.

The act of the head or the heart, you heard that one only dies when the head tells the heart to stop beating, and your head was telling your heart to stop beating for Jisung right at this moment. So that was what you (tried to) did.

“Isn’t the bet already enough? Why are you still teasing me?” You waved your hand at him dismissively, a snort coming out your throat. “Thank you, but uh… I am kind of seeing someone else right now.”

Jisung felt a punch to his gut, it might as well have been from you. God, he could already tell the person you were with was definitely an insufferable person. Probably worse looking than him, possibly not smarter than him, they might have some psychotic tendencies too like pouring milk before cereal and not liking puppies. Just thinking about you being with someone like that makes him want to barf.

It was just his jealousy, though, and Jisung knew that despite his prideful heart.

“They are pretty great, and you know the best part is?” You paused for dramatic effect, “They like me. They actually like me.”

Yet somehow you didn’t yearn for them the way you did for Jisung, because you love Han Jisung and only him.

“But I…” Jisung trailed off when you flashed him a suspicious look. You already know what he wanted to say and you were already letting him know that you don’t plan to believe in him no matter what he says. His shoulder slumped hopelessly, the only words he could utter out was that he was sorry for what he did.

You smiled up at him, slightly bitterly but overall nostalgically. Never have you thought there would be a day where zero amount of joy was present as you smile up at Jisung. He always made you so happy, smiling at him just to see his cheeky grin reflected back to you was one of the most euphoric sensations of your life. And you still yearned for it deep down in your heart, your eyes searching the corner of his lips for one small simple arch to fulfill your empty chest.

He pursed his lips into a thin line, staring at you, always staring at you, “I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you, for the apology,” you nodded at him, tentatively grabbing his hands then when you decided this moment called for it. Jisung’s breath hitched in his throat the second your skin came in contact with his, and it was as if the ground underneath him crumbled. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to cling onto you for security more or to let himself fell down to his knees before your touch more.

“And even though you didn’t really feel it, thank you for acting as though you were in love with me and for being good to me. I had a very, very great year with you,” you confessed honestly, finding it rather childish to hide all the good memories when you could treasure it and let it go gradually.

Shaking his hands in yours, you found yourself close to choking up as your eyes skimmed past his pretty fingers that used to always curl before your tummy in a bed, or around your hand fully in the street. You smiled at yourself, “You… you made me fall in love and you’re… you are gonna teach me how to let go too. I don’t think I am ever going to stop loving you, Jisung, truth be told, but I am going to find someone who I will love more than you.”

His chest burned with guilt, the bullets of his own mistake grazing past every surface of his body. The first thought was no, just outright refusal. You were supposed to love him the most, he was supposed to be the only boy, the only man in your life.

Jisung’s eyes rounded at that thought.

You did love him the most. He was the only boy in your life.

Except when you did choose to love him the most, he didn’t return the same back to you.

Or at least the bet put a misunderstanding between you two. It blocked Jisung’s true feelings from both himself and from you. But now he knew, he finally knew, and it was all too late for him to get you back easily.

“I am going to head to lunch now, Jisung,” you smiled, turning around and preparing to head back to your friends. Your hand slipped away from Jisung’s and he panicked, his heart raced as the anxiety jumped out his throat in the form of words.

“I was a coward!”

“What?”

“I–I didn’t know,” he gulped shamefully, twisting his ankle, “I didn’t know I was so massively in love with you until I lost you. It’s bad, that is bad, I know that, but I…” He was losing track of all his thoughts, slipping away when you tilted your head to the side in faint confusion. He couldn’t form a single coherent sentence with the way you jutted out your bottom lip to think, he just wanted to explain his feelings through actions.

He wanted to hold you, to tighten his arms around your torso despite already being so close to you. He wanted to cup your cheeks in his hand and rub them, his eyes doing all the lovely talks as they adoringly stared down at your grinning features. He wanted to kiss you, so so much, to have his wandering lips all over your sweet skin and your gratifying lips.

Fuck. Jisung really loved you, he still does.

“I wear it every day, the bracelet you made me,” he said, pulling down his sleeve to reveal a simple charm bracelet you gave him on his last birthday. He didn’t throw it away, he couldn’t leave it unattended either. He went everywhere and did everything with it hanging around his wrist.

“You… kept it?”

Jisung nodded sadly, puffing out his cheeks before he let out a sigh, “I kept it. It was the only thing you left me with–”

“You left me, Jisung.”

“Right, shit–I’m so sorry,” he cursed in frustration, rubbing his forehead and letting his hand wander through his soft locks. He shifted his weight a little and gulped down another tight knot. “I… I did love you. I do love you, right now, and I don’t want to… spend a whole day without being able to tell you about it at the end.”

“Jisung–”

“I want you to be involved in my life, I want you here, right here,” he pointed beside him, “Next to me, with me, and I know you don’t believe me but I swear to god if you give me time, I am going to make it back up to you. I swear.”

You crossed your arms, your eyes widening at his sudden proposal. Your heart was churning in both excitement and caution. It was like there were an angel and a devil standing on both sides of your shoulder, poking at you with its devil tail and ticking you with its angel wings, telling you to believe in him, believe in him, no you have to ignore him, ignore him.

He is telling the truth, he is lying. You couldn’t tell the truth.

You just know you still love him and your heart calls for you to give him a chance, and your head… it tells you to do what is best for you, but cautiously.

“(Name)?”

Your name was never quite the same to you after he said it the first time. It stood between the twilight of ruination and salvation.

“Okay,” you whispered. “I let you try.”

A smile slowly spread across Jisung’s face, a ray of hope shining down on him like a golden crown. You wanted to laugh, you always laugh at his smile, but now wasn’t the time for you to let yourself go.

Jisung really missed you. He was young and a stupid, he made a mistake. But he did love you, he loves you still. So my darling (Name), you have no idea how much your second chance means to him.


End file.
